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So, my last post was maybe a bit intense, and possibly harsh...however when contemplating what to write about next I realized that so far, that's kind of what this blog is about. Not so much about "real" life as it is about ideals, about tough subjects and tough concepts. I'm sure that eventually I'll get to writing about everyday things more, with more lighthearted frivolity, especially now that I have a working digital camera! But, right now, I want to write about being happy, and being content.
Not to be stereotypical, but I think guys are often better at this than girls. Not always, but in my experience this has been generally true - maybe it's hormonal or something. A lot of girls love to imagine romance and enjoy having romantic things happening to them, and this sometimes gets us into trouble. Sometimes we stop appreciating what's already there, and what we already have, be it in a relationship, or in our wardrobes or shoe collections, in our schedules for the weekend, etc.
We've all been there - weekends where we've got nothing to do and no one to hang out with, and our friends are all traveling or going to parties we haven't been invited to, or touring with an opera they're playing in the orchestra for (as I am this weekend!).
Everyone you know (including the students that you teach, some of whom are in primary school, in my case!) is going somewhere amazing for vacation and you've never set foot out of your home country, or haven't been anywhere in a long time.
Or your friend's relationship seems so much more happy and affectionate or in some way, better than yours.
Or, you don't own an iPhone or fancy car or nice house or beautiful clothes and so many people around you do that you are starting to feel insignificant and that you're missing something, because you can see directly, right in front of you, how great these things are.
This is what I am going to refer to as the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Sometimes, the solution is simply to stop overreacting to our feelings, and to stop thirsting for drama. We can do this by recognizing what we are feeling and appreciating that our feelings are there, but not acting on them for a little while, a few hours at least, and letting ourselves recover from the initial burst of the emotion and regain our powers of conscious, logical thought.
That is what the often-hated phrase "calm down" actually means - recovering from that initial surprise that a strong feeling like anger or jealousy, letting the harshest of the effects wear off before dealing with the possible causes if the feeling persists. Telling someone to "calm down" can feel like a high-pressure and very stressful request, because in a state of strong emotion, it's quite impossible to instantly be calm.
It's a good idea to try to do some activity in the meantime to help divert your focus, even if this activity is calling or writing to a friend who you can trust and talk to about your feelings. Otherwise, you can try channeling your emotional energy into going on a run, drawing a picture or photography, helping a friend, practicing an instrument, or even writing, as these activities force you to think about something else for awhile. (I can testify to this working - guess how this blog post came to be?) Or take a nap, or listen to happy music, to try not to think about anything at all. There are loads of things you can do.
Then, after we've let the edge wear off we should be able to determine why we're feeling the way we're feeling. Maybe you are not happy with how you look, or the stuff you have, the places you've been, or the person/people you are with. But a lot of the solution now is a shift in mindset, or a shift in goals.
If you don't like the way you look, you can exercise and eat healthy, and set fitness goals, which will enable you to look and feel healthy. You can select different clothes, consult fashion-savvy friends, and for girls, try makeup, to achieve the look you've admired on others. But beyond that, you must learn the art of contentment, being happy with the state of things about yourself that you cannot change. Happy people are beautiful.
If you aren't happy with the stuff you have, try to decide what's really important for you to own, and get rid of everything that you don't care about so that you can invest more of your efforts into what's important to you. Set savings goals and work towards getting what you want most. If it is unfeasible for you to afford the things you desire even through saving, you'll have to decide if it's worth working more or getting another job. And if that's impossible, then again we come back to learning to be content. You've tried your best, but will have to make do with what you can get. May as well try to be happy in spite of this, instead of allowing the negative feelings to take over.
Same with travel or learning new skills - if you really want to do these things, do them! Save up to go on a big trip, or take up a new and fascinating hobby like: salsa dancing, playing an instrument, learning Russian, painting landscapes, there are classes for just about everything out there, and having no one to do these things with is no excuse to not do them, if you're open to it you'll meet new people along the way and through these channels maybe even be happier about the friends you have. Live without regrets over things you did not do but could have.
As for relationships, we've got to make sure that we appreciate all the things that our partner does for us, or would do for us if we needed it. It's so easy to look at romantic movies, and even real life examples, and start thinking about all the things we don't have rather than being happy about what we do have. If you are persistently unhappy despite your best efforts, and you really think you could be happier in another relationship, then it might be time for a change.
A simple change in mindset can do wonders as well.
My upcoming weekend could be described as living my dream of playing music for a living, getting to travel with friends and stay in a hotel overnight, and playing for an opera that people will go see. To some people, that probably sounds quite exciting. However, if I described it differently, even just in my head, for example: an early morning trip on a crowded bus full of obnoxious people (singers), playing mediocre music to a small-town audience and missing out on a weekend of relaxing, doing what I want, and catching up on sleep after late-night rehearsals the week before, a sacrifice rather than an exciting experience, then I will probably feel negatively towards it and other people will probably view it as less appealing and interesting. Your life is really what you make of it!
It isn't logical to continue to be unhappy if there is an alternative to your situation. But we all need to give contentment a fair shot. In every aspect of our lives.
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